So… the whole thing with the goal that didn’t pan out after investing time and energy into it, even though I knew it was a longshot. [I’m sorry that I’m not expanding on what “The Goal” is- I’m not trying to be mysterious or obtuse or annoying- just not anything I’m going to discuss…]
This week I debated whether or not I should just give up “The Goal” and let it go and get over it.
The truth is, even if I sit here and say that the goal is mostly impossible, the truth is I still want it. I’ve done some heavy self-examination last week and tried to convince myself to let it go, but that’s not going to happen.I feel like I opened Pandora’s box in a way- once I let this old dream kind of rise up and I started to entertain the idea of it being even remotely possible, there was no way it was going to just dissipate or go back down into my “oh well, too late for that…” part of my brain.If it can happen, then I want it to. But at this moment there is seriously not much more I can do. I’ve done a significant amount of things towards it, as much as I can.
The big realization I had earlier this week is that the point of this whole thing shouldn’t have been “The Goal”. I kind of jumped into it with the “if you build it, they will come” ethos. That’s not normally my approach to things – to me that’s a hopeful and optimistic take and, I mean, for some people that optimism always pays off- that’s not me. Shit takes time and tends to surprise me with how it comes together. If things do work out, I never really have a sense that they will before they do, and when they do, it’s never how I expect. Not that “not how I expect” is a bad thing, just bonkers.
With that in mind, I have to adjust my expectations. I think I need to do what I learned in my Buddhist training (not a devout Buddhist anymore, but the philosophy/secular teachings of it have stuck with me…) : create conditions.
That’s not the same as “if you build it, they will come” because “they will come” is an outcome. “Creating conditions” for something is simply making the space where something can arise if it’s possible. There’s no guarantee it will, so the focus is on the “creation” part, not the outcome. And the goal of “creating conditions” is something I can work on and see results without needing some outside opportunity beyond my control to come up and make it all happen. Does that make sense?
One thing about “the Goal” is that there are specific emotions that would come from it, so I think I need to try and find other sources for those feelings in my everyday life. A big part of that is finding ways to fulfill myself and keep myself sustained, interested, engaged, in “flow” state, curious, feeling creative, feeling like a part of the world rather than an observer- in my own way.
It was too easy to let so much go when I needed to give my attention to other people- I pretty much tossed out making art, reading books, having time alone, saying “no, not now”, sitting quietly outside… it all seemed incredibly indulgent but now I realize that throwing my interests and passions out basically robbed me of me. My health is so inconsistent that those small “indulgent” things have been the way I retreat and escape.
So now I have to find the energy to do them again, to rearrange my entire schedule and routine to fit them in, and to convince myself that they are a valuable and ethical and worthy and respectable use of time.